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    Humour

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    wuzfuz

    Posts : 3682

    Humour

    Post by wuzfuz on Sun Feb 20, 2011 1:26 am




    Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler


    December 8 6:00 PM
    It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
    the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
    the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down
    from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So
    romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

    December 9
    We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
    covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
    sight! Can there be a more lovely place in
    the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've
    ever had!
    Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
    boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
    This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered
    up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
    to shovel again. What a perfect life!

    December 12
    The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
    disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-
    we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
    Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
    snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see
    snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such
    a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

    December 14


    Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night The
    temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything
    sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed
    up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
    the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and
    buried everything again. I didn't
    realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling,
    but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish
    I wouldn't huff and puff so.

    December 15
    20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
    Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
    extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
    a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
    that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.

    December 16
    Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ##### on the ice in
    the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The
    wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very
    cruel.

    December 17
    Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
    anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
    pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
    stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
    should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
    her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
    I'm freezing to death in my own livingroom.

    December 20
    Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of
    the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
    day The damn snowplow came by twice.
    Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
    they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
    Called the only hardware store around to see about
    buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
    another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob
    says I have to shovel or the city will have it done
    and bill me. I think he's lying.

    December 22
    Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
    inches of the white @#*& fell today, and it's so cold,
    it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes
    to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
    had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
    dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
    hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
    the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the
    asshole is lying.

    December 23
    Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
    The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
    this morning. What is she, nuts?!!
    Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She
    says she did but I think she's lying.

    December 24
    6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke
    the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
    ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow
    plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and
    beat him to death with my broken shovel.. I know he
    hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
    shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
    miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
    been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
    carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
    busy watching for the damn snowplow.

    December 25
    Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn
    slop tonight - Snowed in.
    The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate
    the snow!
    Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
    and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
    says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking
    idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one
    more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

    December 26
    Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
    was all HER idea.
    She's really getting on my nerves.

    December 27
    Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;
    plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he
    only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

    December 28
    Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The B------ is
    driving me crazy!!!

    December 29
    10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
    it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
    heard How dumb does he think I am?

    December 30
    Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now
    he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the
    beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the
    broken snow shovel up his a?. The wife went home to
    her mother.
    Nine more inches predicted.

    December 31
    I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
    shoveling.

    January 8
    Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
    Why am I tied to the bed?
    ================= :scratch: :scratch:












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