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    Loads of Laughs


    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sun Jan 22, 2012 3:32 pm

    The Lesson in Marketing

    Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

    Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

    The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

    Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."

    The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"


    Posts : 3367

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by Willows on Sun Jan 22, 2012 5:01 pm

    I'm yuk-yuk-yukking Laughing Laughing Laughing in the Yak-Yak-Yakking Forum...DaffyD!

    Great to see you back! hugs.gif

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sun Jan 22, 2012 8:33 pm

    Thank you....At first ah thought you said, "Glad to see your back!"

    Be careful what you ask for..............


    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sun Jan 22, 2012 8:47 pm


    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Wed Feb 01, 2012 5:07 pm

    The Cheese of my Childhood

    And the bread that we cut with a knife,
    When the children helped with the housework,
    And the men went to work not the wife.

    The cheese never needed an ice chest,
    And the bread was so crusty and hot,
    The children were seldom unhappy
    And the wife was content with her lot.

    I remember the milk from the billy,
    With the yummy cream on the top,
    Our dinner came hot from the oven,
    And not from the fridge in the shop.

    The kids were a lot more contented,
    They didn't need money for kicks,
    Just a game with our mates in the paddock,
    And sometimes the Saturday flicks.

    I remember the shop on the corner,
    Where a pen'orth of lollies was sold
    Do you think I'm a bit too nostalgic,
    Or is it....I'm just getting old?

    I remember when the loo was the dunny,
    And the pan man came in the night,
    It wasn't the least bit funny
    Going out the back with no light.

    The interesting items we perused,
    From the newspapers cut into squares,
    And hung on a peg in the outhouse,
    Just in case we took along a few spares

    The clothes were boiled in the copper,
    With plenty of rich foamy suds
    But the ironing seemed never ending
    As Mum pressed everyone's Duds

    I remember the slap on my backside,
    And the taste of soap if I swore
    Annorexia and diets weren't heard of
    And we hadn't much choice what we wore.

    Do you think that bruised our ego?
    Or our initiative was destroyed
    We ate what was put on the table
    And I think our life was better enjoyed. ,

    Posts : 4025

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by oceanna on Wed Feb 01, 2012 6:22 pm

    What a wonderful poem Daffy! It brings back a lot of memories for me.
    One exciting event was the Saturday afternoon matinee for 25 cents.

    Children were never bored then, too many games to play with friends and chores to help Mom and Dad.


    Glad E Olah

    Posts : 1578

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by Glad E Olah on Wed Feb 01, 2012 7:43 pm

    Like the poem Daffyd. It does bring back memories.

    Posts : 127

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by kenneth on Sat Feb 04, 2012 7:56 pm


    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Mon Feb 06, 2012 3:30 pm

    Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher...
    I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.....

    The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 euros a week unemployment pay.

    Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

    Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 euros a week.

    When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

    The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

    'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick inspects 'em and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

    Posts : 956

    Teetotal...as from tomorrow

    Post by daffyd on Wed Feb 08, 2012 4:55 pm

    Y'all take heed now, this is dedicated research.


    Posts : 4025

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by oceanna on Wed Feb 08, 2012 6:23 pm

    Laughing I can believe that Daffy.


    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Fri Feb 10, 2012 4:12 pm

    Now here is a wee story that will tickle your chuckle muscle....


    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Wed Feb 15, 2012 7:48 pm

    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

    He nearly jumped out of his skin, switched his torch off, and froze.

    When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

    Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

    Freaked out, he shined his torch around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

    Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch beam came to rest on a parrot.

    'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

    'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked,
    'I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.'

    The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh?
    Who in the world are you ?'

    'Moses,' replied the bird.

    'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
    'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

    'The kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.'


    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Wed Feb 15, 2012 7:58 pm

    Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods meet in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?" Wonder says, "Not so bad. How's the golf?"

    Woods replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing but I think I've got that going right now."

    Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then the next time I play it seems to be alright." Tiger says, "You play golf?"

    Stevie says, "Yes. I've been playing for years." Tiger says, "But you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?"

    Stevie says, "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

    "But how do you putt?" asks Tiger.

    "Well, I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball towards his voice", says Stevie.

    Tiger asks, "What is your handicap?" Stevie says, "I'm a scratch golfer."

    Tiger, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Stevie says, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

    Tiger thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that. When would you like to play?"

    And Stevie says, "Pick a night."


    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Wed Feb 15, 2012 8:34 pm

    A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

    'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!' St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?

    ' 'Couple minutes ago.'

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Wed Feb 15, 2012 8:47 pm

    This senior was in town to attent the 50th. graduation anniversary at his high school. He stopped in to a local barber shop for a last minute haircut and shave.

    He explained what he was in town for and asked the barber if he could do a better job of shaving his face that he could. His cheeks were wrinkled and made it difficult to get all the stubble shaved.

    After cutting his hair the barber asked the man to put a little wooden ball in his mouth. He was instructed to shift the ball into each cheek to smooth out those wrinkles.

    That worked so well the senior tipped the barber an extra $5.00

    Curious though the senior asked the barber what would happen if he had accidentally swallowed the little wooden ball.

    How long will you be in town the barber asked?

    A couple of days was the reply.

    Then just do like everyone else and bring it back.

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Wed Feb 15, 2012 8:50 pm

    A Glaswegian is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to
    walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher....
    The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

    'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

    The drunk shouts, 'Aye, I am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'

    The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,

    'Have you found Jesus me brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'

    By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

    The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

    The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?

    Posts : 4025

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by oceanna on Wed Feb 15, 2012 9:59 pm

    Laughing Thanks for all the laughs Daffy.
    I especially got a chuckle from the parrot joke.



    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Fri Feb 17, 2012 7:15 pm

    Valentine Memories......aaaaaah!

    I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me.

    My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.

    It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, standing beside me.

    I gave her a cheeky wink and said, "Get that trolleyover here, love,
    .........they're doing 3 cases of beer for the price of 2."

    Posts : 3682

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by wuzfuz on Sat Feb 18, 2012 1:50 am

    Laughing A bartender was dumbfounded when a gorilla came in and asked for a martini but he couldn't think of any reason to not serve the beast.
    And he was even more amazed when the gorilla gave him a ten-dollar bill to pay for it.
    As he walked over to the cash register, he decided to try something.

    He rang up the sale and handed it a a dollar in change.
    The gorilla didn't say anything just sat there sipping his drink.
    Finally the bartender couldn't take it any-more and said.
    "You know we don't get too many gorillas in here
    The gorilla replied, "At nine bucks a drink,I'm not surprised"


    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sat Feb 25, 2012 1:54 pm

    Women eh? Who can understand them........ apart from another woman!


    A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
    She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and a beautiful dress in the second.
    She had just entered the third shop where everything had just been reduced fifty percent when her mobile phone rang.
    It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.
    The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she'd be there as soon as possible.
    When she hung up, she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever shopping in these boutiques, so she decided to just look in two or three more before heading to the hospital.
    Anyhow, she ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake compliments of the last shop.

    She was jubilant.

    Then she remembered her husband.

    Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

    She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

    The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself shopping, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it's likely be the last shopping trip you will ever make! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your responsibility!"

    The woman felt so guilty she broke down and cried and cried.

    The lady doctor then laughed and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sat Feb 25, 2012 2:01 pm

    After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

    He looked at her for a while ... Then said, "You're
    A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

    She asks ... "What does that mean?"

    He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

    She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

    He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

    The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his 'family jewels'!


    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sat Feb 25, 2012 2:16 pm

    A little British humour

    The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

    The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
    This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the compartment door, and sat down.

    The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!'

    An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong female out of the door.

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sat Feb 25, 2012 2:29 pm

    Its the way he told them....... Frank Carson......R.I.P. ( 1927-2012)

    In celebration of his career, here are some of Frank Carson’s greatest one-liners...

    - My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

    - There’s a professor who’s crossed a chicken with a spider, he’s now got chickens with 8 legs! I said, ‘What does it taste like?” He said, ‘I don’t know, I haven’t caught any yet.’

    - My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' lines of communication. He ate their pigeon.

    - I don't think my wife likes me very much. When I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

    - Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are at a Christmas party and each had to bring something to do with Christmas. Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, Scotsman brought a bag of holly and the Irishman brought a pair of knickers. I asked, ‘What’s that got to do with Christmas?’ He said, ‘They’re Carol’s.’

    - A fella walks into a pet shop and says: “Give me a wasp.” The shopkeeper replies: “We don’t sell wasps.” He says: “There’s one in the window.”


    Posts : 2477

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by islandgrl on Sat Feb 25, 2012 3:26 pm

    Have been reading your humour posts. Good ones. Thanks for the chuckle. cheeky2

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    Re: Loads of Laughs

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