Location Map

October 2017

MonTueWedThuFriSatSun
      1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031     

Calendar Calendar

Latest topics

» Poet's Corner
Mon Aug 21, 2017 7:03 pm by daffyd

» Wuzfuz and his music
Thu May 11, 2017 3:02 pm by Willows

» The world's Most Beautiful Horse
Sat Mar 18, 2017 1:49 pm by Glad E Olah

» Loads of Laughs
Tue Oct 18, 2016 6:32 pm by daffyd

» Gerraway!
Tue Oct 18, 2016 6:05 pm by daffyd

» Daffyd's Video Shack
Mon Aug 01, 2016 6:18 pm by daffyd

» Pompeii - Eruption of Mt Vesuvius
Fri Mar 25, 2016 7:35 pm by daffyd

» About Religion.
Thu Mar 24, 2016 8:19 pm by daffyd

» A Farmer of our time
Wed Mar 23, 2016 6:53 pm by daffyd

» Our Sun is Beautiful
Tue Feb 23, 2016 10:24 pm by islandgrl

» Spiced Beverage
Tue Feb 23, 2016 12:00 am by islandgrl

» TEA BAGS
Mon Feb 22, 2016 11:53 pm by islandgrl

» It's That Time Again
Mon Feb 22, 2016 10:02 pm by islandgrl

» Thanksgiving Poem
Thu Nov 26, 2015 11:15 am by Glad E Olah

» Guevedoces
Tue Oct 27, 2015 1:27 pm by Glad E Olah

» DESIDERATA
Tue Jul 14, 2015 5:57 pm by daffyd

» Ruby Shoes
Sun Jul 12, 2015 1:41 am by islandgrl

» Insane
Sun Jul 12, 2015 1:25 am by islandgrl

» Glad's 2015 Garden
Mon Jun 08, 2015 10:28 pm by Glad E Olah

» Facts of which you are unaware!
Sat Apr 25, 2015 7:17 pm by daffyd

» THE BACK NINE!
Sat Apr 18, 2015 7:33 pm by daffyd

» Daffyd's Disco
Mon Apr 06, 2015 7:05 pm by Windwalker

» Where Are They Now?
Thu Feb 26, 2015 2:38 pm by Windwalker

» Ye Olde Photo Shoppe
Thu Feb 26, 2015 2:36 pm by Windwalker

» Glass Totems
Fri Feb 06, 2015 12:08 am by islandgrl


    Loads of Laughs

    Share
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Tue Mar 01, 2011 3:57 pm


    The fighting starts


    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.

    I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

    'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'


    And then the fight started.....



    *******************************************

    I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

    You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

    He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

    So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'


    And then the fight started... . ...................................................................

    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

    And then the fight started.....

    .............................................................

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

    I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'


    And then the fight started.....



    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Tue Mar 01, 2011 4:07 pm


    Y'all think that's amusing....well now git yerself a pot o' coffee, pull up a chair an' get a load of this............

    Horace Cope...a star struck friend of mine had been 'putin most of the day...e-mails ...forums... y'all know that sorta stuff an' Ophelia Bottom his partner (that's what they call female companions these days)...Ophelia called out to him..."Horry, ifin y'all don't close down that 'puter an come to bed you'll be facing an Eskimo wedding supper!"
    Horace looked up from the monitor and puzzled asked, "Eskimo wedding supper? Wazzat hun?"
    There from the depth of that dimly lit bedroom came the answer,
    "An icy reception!!!"

    Well Horace always liked his supper warm so he immediately lept up from his chair and sashayed into his beloved Ophelia.

    That ole boy fergot one important thing.... he didn't switch off his computer...... he was awakened at about 0300 am by some strange noises and then he noticed some flickering lights coming from the computer. Thinking it might be an intruder....he awakened Ophelia and told her of his suspicions. They both tiptoed into the computer room...Horace was behind Ophelia all the way....sorta... back-up... you know. They were astounded at what they discovered...........

    Just click on the link below, click on play, then leave the mouse alone, sit back and enjoy a piece of creative brilliance.


    http://fc01.deviantart.com/fs13/f/2007/077/2/e/Animator_vs__Animation_by_alanbecker.swf


    avatar
    wuzfuz

    Posts : 3682

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by wuzfuz on Tue Mar 01, 2011 5:36 pm

    Breaking News:



    CNN reports: Beginning in early 2011 Gas stations will start
    showing PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that
    you can watch someone else get screwed the same time that
    you do. !!





    Have A GREAT Day








    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sat Mar 05, 2011 7:54 pm



    Mah Pappy wuz doing his chores, (yep he has chores, same as the rest of us) and Pappy found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Maw that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.

    Maw says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college grad-jyate."



    So Pappy drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College grad-jyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."

    The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."

    Pappy thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

    All of a sudden, Maw comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm. Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.

    Pappy races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Maw, are you all right?"

    As she pulls up her panties she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen!"

    Ah wuz proud o' mah Pappy on two counts, one he raced into see if Maw wuz alright, and two, he cleared that hole in the outhouse whilst fertilizing the surrounding area.

    "Pappy" ah sed, "Ah noticed y'all don't have a lot to say when Maw is around. Why is that?"

    "Boy" he countered, "If there is one thing ah learned over the years it is 'Never miss a good chance tuh shut up!'

    Now yer Maw is a real smart cookie, ah mind one time she went looking for some fun so she sashayed into a furniture shop and asked the young virile salesman for a sexual sofa.

    He blushed and farted and sed, you mean, 'sectional' sofa.

    "Sectional, smectional,.... all ah want" sed your Maw "is an occasional piece in the living room!"
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Mon Mar 07, 2011 4:45 pm


    THE LIE DETECTOR


    A man buys a lie detector robot which slaps people who lie.
    He decides to test it at dinner.
    DAD: "Son, where were you today during school hours?"
    SON: "At school." Robot slaps son! "Ok, I lied, I went to the movies."
    DAD: "Which one?"
    SON: "Toy Story." Robot slaps son again! "Ok, it was “A Day with a Porn Star."
    DAD: "What?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was?".

    Robot slaps Dad!


    *MOM: "Ha, ha! After all he's your son." Robot slaps Mom.



    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Mon Mar 07, 2011 4:59 pm


    In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.



    An old man with dirty drunkered looks came to apply for the Job. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away ? And so---They tested him.

    They gave him a glass with a drink.

    He tried it and said, It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.

    "That's correct", said the boss.

    Another glass. It's red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels.

    Correct.

    The director was astonished.

    He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

    She brought in a glass of her urine.

    The alcoholic tried it. It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month. And if you don't give me the job, I'll tell all who the ... father is !.

    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Mon Mar 07, 2011 5:11 pm


    A GEOGRAPHY LESSON

    GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

    Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.

    Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.

    Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

    Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece & gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

    Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all-conquering past.

    Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.

    Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

    After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.



    THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

    Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a couple of nuts.

    THE END

    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Tue Mar 08, 2011 5:10 pm

    Sure and its getting near dat time of year.......

    An Irish Family Tradition


    Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

    It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

    On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

    So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!

    Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

    Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

    'Granny,' he asked, "It's me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me fa, his fa, and his fa before him?"

    Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your fa, your grandfa and your great grandfa were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip sh*t".



    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Mon Mar 14, 2011 10:41 am


    HALLELUJAH WE'RE HEALED !

    *******************************


    GRANDMA AND GRANDPA WERE WATCHING A RELIGIOUS HEALING PROGRAM ON TV.
    THE EVANGELIST CALLED TO ALL WHO WANTED TO BE HEALED,
    TO PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON THE BODY PART THEY WANTED HEALED.

    GRANDMA HOBBLED TO THE TV AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HER ARTHRITIC HIP.
    GRANDPA MADE HIS WAY TO THE SET AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HIS CROTCH.
    GRANDMA LOOKED AT HIM WITH DISGUST . "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU OLD COOT.....
    THE PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE THE DEAD." .
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Fri Apr 08, 2011 2:31 pm

    Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

    On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

    "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

    Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

    There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of whisky, and as a special treat occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

    "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, “I need to interview the half-wit."

    " That'll be me!" says Paddy.
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Thu Apr 14, 2011 3:06 pm


    Story Of Johnny

    Jassem, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio.

    "What is your name?" asked the teacher. "Jassem". . .. answered the kid.

    "You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny," replied the teacher.

    In the evening, Jassem returned home. "How was your day, Jassem?" asked his mother. "My name is not Jassem. Im in America and now my name is Johnny.

    " "Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage? Shame on you!" and she beat him.

    Then she called his father and he too beat him.

    The next day Jassem returned to school.. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?

    Well ma'am, four hours after I becoming an American, I was attacked by two Arabs at home."



    Would y'all believe that?
    avatar
    Willows

    Posts : 3367

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by Willows on Sat Apr 16, 2011 6:05 am

    OMG.....DaffyD!!

    I don't know whether to laugh or cry!! Sad
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Mon Jun 13, 2011 4:11 pm

    Mary Lou walked over from her yard having spotted mah Pappy a sittin on the front porch. "Pappy" she said, "Ah knows y'all are wise ole coot an ah cum tuh aks y'all a question!"

    "Y'all go right ahead darlin" sed mah Pappy.

    "Ifin ah sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut.
    But when a man sleeps with 10 women,
    Everyone calls him a real man.
    How come . . . "

    Mah Pappy replied...

    "It's very simple Mary Lou, when one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it's a bad lock.
    But when one key can open 10 different locks, we call it a MASTER KEY . .




    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Mon Jun 13, 2011 4:14 pm

    Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up...

    A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing

    Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this
    flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

    The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a
    few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

    She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and
    announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

    Then, she walked off.

    Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!

    We need the height, and she gives us the bleedin’ length.























    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Tue Jul 05, 2011 3:14 pm


    "Vending Machines"


    A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut
    before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if
    there was a barber on the premises.

    "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall
    from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

    Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine,inserted $15, and
    stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz
    and spin. Fifteen seconds he pulled out his head and surveyed his
    reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

    Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures $20."

    "Why not?" he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot,
    and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later he pulled
    out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

    The next machine had a sign that read, "Machine provides a service men need
    when away from their Wives, 50 Cents."

    He looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and
    with some anticipation, stuck his 'friend' into the opening.

    When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost
    passed out.

    Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, he was able to
    withdraw his 'friend' which now had a button neatly sewn on the end.



    Now they are button buddies!
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Mon Jul 11, 2011 3:14 pm

    Mah Pappy's Words o' Wisdom.



    Ah set mahself tuh finishing mah chores, it were a varmints nest under the north west corner of the front porch that needed clearing out. Whilst ah wuz under thar ah heard mah Pappy a talking tuh mah Maw about Jedidiah's latest girl friend. Pappy wuz a saying that Jedidiah called her 'Baseball'

    "Why on earth would he want to do that?" Maw enquired

    Pappy looked up and with that store bought smile sed, "Cause she won't play without a diamond!"

    Maw parried that with a smile of her own as she retorted, "You know Pappy soon we will have bin married 50 years...... o' wedded blitz!"

    "Y'all trying tuh make a fool outa me?" Pappy blustered.

    Maw came straight back, "Of course not, why should ah try tuh change nature?"

    "Y'all bin supping mah 'shine' Pappy enquired.

    "Ifin yuh mean OUR 'shine' then the answer is 'no' sed Maw.

    "Right ho then" snapped mah Pappy "Y'all tell me this, how many critters kin y'all git into a pair o' pantyhose?"

    "What sorta question is that? said Maw with a cautious but puzzled expression on her face "What in tarnation are you talking about now?"

    "Y'all think about it " Pappy demanded "An answer the question!"

    Maw thought and thought knowing there wuz a catch but just couldn't figure out what.

    Any o' you folks know?

    Knowing that he had won that round Pappy (in between his coughing and spluttering brought on by his victory) reeled off the following:-

    " 10 Little Piggies, 2 calves, 1 er.. no, it weren't a mule...er, ..er,.. nope not a donkey...er dang what is the name o' that other dumb critter...... and an unknown number of hares!"

    Maw had left afore he finished......

    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Thu Aug 25, 2011 4:11 pm


    Southern Thinking

    Georgia:
    The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14% , how much would you take off?'

    The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,

    'Everything but my earrings.'

    ***************************** **********************************
    Alabama:

    A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

    'Where's Henry?' the others asked.

    'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.'

    You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.

    'A tough call,' nodded the hunter.

    'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'
    *************************** ************************************
    Louisiana:

    A senior at LSU was overheard saying , 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ..'
    When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
    ************************************************** ************
    Mississippi:

    The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
    Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?
    'The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.'
    **************************************************************
    Tennessee:

    A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
    The trooper asked, 'Got any ID?'
    The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'
    **************************************************************
    Arkansas:

    A man in Little Rock had a flat tire, pulled onto the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
    A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
    The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
    The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?' The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.'

    **************************************************************
    And my favorite:

    You can say what you want about the South,
    But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North..

    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Thu Aug 25, 2011 4:20 pm



    There is humour in the air... there is humour everywhere... take religion.... no I mean it.... you take it!

    STORY OF ELIJAH
    The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story

    of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how

    Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut a steer in pieces, and

    laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God

    to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them

    do this four times. "Now, asked the teacher, "Can anyone in the class tell me

    why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

    A little girl in the back of the room started waving her

    hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"


    LOT 'S WIFE

    The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife

    looked back and turned into a pillar of salt when little Jason

    interrupted, "My Mommy looked back once while she was driving," he

    announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"


    GOOD SAMARITAN

    A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of

    the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for

    dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would

    catch the drama. Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying

    on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"


    A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think

    I'd throw up."



    DID NOAH FISH?

    A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah

    did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"

    "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"


    HIGHER POWER

    A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have

    been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But,

    there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

    One child blurted out, "Aces!"


    MOSES AND THE RED SEA

    Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had

    learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent

    Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out

    of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon

    bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed

    headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the

    bridge, and all the Israelites were saved."

    "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?"

    his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did,

    you'd never believe it!"


    THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

    A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class

    memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible, Psalm 23. She

    gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited

    about the task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much

    practice, he could barely get past the first line.On the day that the kids were scheduled to

    recite Psalm 23, in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his

    turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my

    Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."


    CHURCH SMILES

    There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family

    Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal

    clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.


    WHILE DRIVING . . .

    While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an

    Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of

    humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed

    sign:

    Energy efficient vehicle

    Runs on oats and grass

    Caution: Do not step in exhaust


    A QUILT

    One Sunday after church, a mother asked her very young

    daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be

    scared, you'll get your quilt. Needless to say, the mom was perplexed, so later in the day,

    when the pastor stopped by for tea, she asked him what that morning's
    Sunday school lesson was about.


    He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

    Sad Oi Vey!

    Question: Is the message realy getting through?
    avatar
    Willows

    Posts : 3367

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by Willows on Sat Aug 27, 2011 7:21 am

    Oi Vey....Thou DaffyD has't comforted me with thoust humour! Laughing
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sat Aug 27, 2011 11:14 am

    avatar
    Willows

    Posts : 3367

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by Willows on Sun Aug 28, 2011 6:33 am

    Awwwwww.....said as only you could DaffyD! Is this a DaffyD original? It was great! clapping.gif
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Tue Aug 30, 2011 3:50 pm

    Only the voice..... the content is the product of an old friend of mine Ann Onimous a most talented writer.
    From the same school as Ivan Itch he writes from scratch..... here's one of his...

    You no likee

    A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.
    His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
    Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the autopilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese,"

    "No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"

    "You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

    "No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."

    Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

    There's a few minutes of silence.

    "No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces.

    "Why not?" asks the captain.

    "Jews sink Titanic."

    "Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"

    "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same!"


    All same.... you no likee Chinese joke?

    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sun Nov 20, 2011 4:21 pm


    Subject: Scottish wit



    Wit of the Scots

    An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf. So he puts his name down at the local club. After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down. So he goes down to the club to enquire why.

    Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

    Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.
    Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.
    Scot: Aye, so do I.
    Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?
    Scot: Aye, neither do I.
    Secretary: But you are a Jew?
    Scot: Aye, I be that.
    Secretary: So you are circumcised?
    Scot: Aye, I be that too.
    Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.
    Scot: Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus. But this is the first time I have heard, that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.


    Aye, aye, its troo, ah ken you're no allowed tuh play with another bodies balls either!
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sun Nov 20, 2011 7:56 pm

    Goodbye Granddad


    Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
    He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,
    We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
    A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,
    The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,
    The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.

    There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,
    Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,
    No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,
    When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,
    'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,
    'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'

    'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
    And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,
    So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,
    They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.
    Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,
    And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,
    So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,
    I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.

    The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
    But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,
    Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,
    The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.
    And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--
    Well, he always used to hold his breath until he heard the splash!!


    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Thu Dec 08, 2011 12:46 pm

    How the Internet was born

    In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

    And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

    And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

    And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).

    Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

    And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

    And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks

    And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others" And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are.

    And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

    Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

    That is how it all began. And that's the truth ... ???

    Due -tuh- Ron n' me!

    Sponsored content

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Tue Oct 24, 2017 5:52 am