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    Loads of Laughs

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    daffyd

    Posts : 953

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Fri Feb 20, 2015 7:31 pm

    That's the spirit..........

    Wisdom
    -------------------------
    Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car.

    After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.
    Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband."

    The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 953

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Thu Feb 26, 2015 6:51 pm


    Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an
    Aussie are all walking together one day..

    They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
    'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
    Says the Genie.
    The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want
    the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
    POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was
    forever fertile for farming.

    Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan ,
    Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans, Canadians,
    British or Aussies can come into our precious land.'
    POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge
    wall around those countries.

    The Aussie says, 'I am very curious.
    Please tell me more about this wall.'
    The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet
    thick and completely surrounds the countries.

    Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
    The Aussie sits down, cracks a beer, lights a cigarette,
    Smiles and says to the Genie
    'Fill the thing with water.'
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 953

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Mon Mar 02, 2015 7:18 pm


    Priorities


    A man had two of the best tickets for the Ryder Cup.
    As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
    "No", he says, "the seat is empty.”

    "This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of the whole world, and not use it?”

    He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Ryder Cup we haven't been together since we got married.”

    "Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else?.. a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?

    The man shakes his head…


    "No. They're all at the funeral."


    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 953

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sat Mar 14, 2015 7:01 pm



    Two policemen (Constable Ken and Bob) call the station on the radio.
    "Hello. Is that the Sarge?"
    "Yes?"
    "We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping
    on the floor she had just mopped clean."
    "Have you arrested the woman?"
    "No sir. The floor is still wet."


    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 953

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Thu Mar 19, 2015 7:06 pm


    An interview with 101 year old Hattie Mae McDonald of Kentucky.......



    Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?

    Hattie: For better digestion, I drink beer.

    In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine.

    For low blood pressure, I drink Red Wine.

    In the case of high blood pressure, I drink scotch.

    And when I have a cold, I drink Schnapps.

    Reporter: When do you drink water?

    Hattie: I've never been that sick.





    You know ...... I'm rarely that sick myself!
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 953

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Fri Mar 27, 2015 7:23 pm


    When God sends you help, don't ask questions


    She had hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.

    Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

    She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

    He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."

    The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."

    The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God!
    You even sent me a Professional!"
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 953

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Wed Apr 01, 2015 6:35 pm



    An Irish priest was transferred to Texas ..



    Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning and It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.

    He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

    He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

    He promptly called the local police station......

    The conversation went like this:

    ''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''



    ''And the best of the day te yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.

    Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,

    ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''

    There was dead silence on the line for a long moment..........................................

    Father O'Malley then replied:

    ''Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''



    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 953

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Mon Apr 06, 2015 6:14 pm


    On safari with the Mother-in-law


    A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
    One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened to find her mother gone.


    She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.
    In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight.
    The mother-in-law was standing face-to-face with a lion.

    "What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked.
    "Nothing," her husband replied,



    "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."


    (I find doing nothing is the hardest thing to do, you never know when you are done!)





    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 953

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Tue Apr 07, 2015 6:43 pm

    Waiting in a lay-by ready to catch speeding drivers, a police officer
    Sees a car puttering along the A22 at well under the 30 mile per hour
    Limit.

    Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
    So he turns on his siren and flashing lights and pulls the driver
    Over.

    Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in
    The front and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

    The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't
    Understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the
    Problem?"

    "Madam," the policeman replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should
    Know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
    Other drivers."

    "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
    Exactly, twenty-two miles an hour!" ......the old woman says, a bit
    Proudly.

    The policeman, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that A22
    Is the road number, not the speed limit.

    A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the policeman for
    Pointing out her error.

    "But before I let you go, madam, I have to ask, is everyone in this
    Car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound
    This whole time," the officer asks.

    "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We've just come off
    The A120."
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 953

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Fri Apr 17, 2015 5:43 pm



    There are so many expressions not handed down like this one.


    Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was recently on UK television with British TV host Anne Diamond.
    She hosts, 'Good Morning Britain' for T.V. am. In their conversation he used the word "Mañana"
    (pronounced "man-yana")

    Anne Diamond then asked him to explain what it meant.
    Iglesias said that the term means:

    "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow;
    Maybe the next day;
    Maybe the day after that;
    Or perhaps next week;
    Next month;
    Next year.
    Who really cares?"



    The host turned to Albert Yatapingu from the Gumbaingeri Tribe (Australian aboriginal)
    who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in the Australian language.



    "Eh" he replied, "In Australia we don't have a word to describe such a high degree of urgency."


    and that is a true story !!!!!


    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 953

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Mon Apr 20, 2015 10:20 am

    Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most BEAUTIFUL WOMAN in the world."
    "I am entering," said Snow White.
    After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,
    "Well, how did you do?"
    " First Place," said Snow White.

    They continue walking and they see a sign:
    "Contest for the STRONGEST MAN in the world."
    "I'm entering," says Superman.
    After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
    "How did you make out?"
    "First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

    They continue walking when they see a sign:
    "Contest! Who is the GREATEST LIAR in the world?"
    Pinocchio says "this is mine."
    Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
    "What happened?" they asked.
    "Who the hell is Barrack Obama?" asked Pinocchio.
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 953

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Mon Apr 27, 2015 7:39 pm


    Gynecologist turned mechanic.




    A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and
    Paperwork decided to give up practicing medicine.

    Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, so he decided to become a mechanic.

    He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

    When the time for the practical exam approached, the former gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

    When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

    The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly which was worth 50% of the total mark."

    "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

    After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career"

    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 953

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Tue Apr 28, 2015 6:46 pm



    The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that Rock 'n Roll Gospel Choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.'
    'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest.
    'I am pleased that you are open to the New Ideas of Youth.'
    'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the Drive-thru Confessional.

    ''But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began.

    Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate that.... But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.


    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 953

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Fri May 01, 2015 7:53 pm



    Three men - a Canadian farmer, a Muslim fanatic
    and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.

    They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

    The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
    POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

    The Muslim was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq, and Iran so that no infidels, Americans, or Canadians can come into our precious land.'
    POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

    The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
    Please tell me more about this wall.'
    The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
    The Biker sits down on his Harley,

    cracks a beer,

    lights a cigar,

    smiles and says,
    'Fill it with water.'

    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 953

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sun May 17, 2015 7:22 pm


    THE VICAR'S FALSE TEETH


    A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first
    Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
    The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following
    Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

    The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and
    They asked him what happened.

    The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
    Talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
    To talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
    Wife's' teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

    I KNOW you are smiling......

    .....are they your teeth, or are you breaking them in for a friend?

    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 953

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Thu May 28, 2015 7:15 pm


    : Dr Geezer vs Dr Young .....


    An old geezer, who was a retired farmer became very
    bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that
    said: "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."
    Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans
    about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
    So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
    This is what transpired ...
    Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." can you
    Please help me ??
    Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in
    Dr. Young's mouth."
    Dr. Young: --- Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $ 500."
    Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to
    Recover his money.
    Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the
    Patient's' mouth."
    Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $ 500."
    Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after
    several more days.
    Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see !!!!
    Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so -- " Here's your $ 1000 back."
    Dr. Young: "But this is only $ 500..."
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $ 500."
    Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can
    outsmart an old "Geezer " !!!!

    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 953

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Fri May 29, 2015 6:22 pm



    Ah heerd tell that a local farmer invited the new vicar to lunch last Sunday. Together they sat down to partake of a nice roast chicken dinner.
    As they were finishing the dinner the vicar looked out of the window and saw a fine rooster strutting around the farmyard.
    "My word" he said, "but that is a proud bird you have got there and make no mistake!"

    "He should be proud indeed" smiled the farmer. "After all one of his sons has just entered the ministry."


    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 953

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Mon Jun 15, 2015 6:22 pm



    Now hear this.....

    Father in law: "Have you talked to the man who saved your mother in law from drowning in the river?"

    Son in law: "Yes, I did, he came over and apologised!"

    ---------- ----------

    Grumpy Ole Timer: "Ah heerd tell some people think ah have a short temper. Ah prefer to call it, 'A swift and assertive reaction to B/S"
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 953

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Fri Jun 19, 2015 5:50 pm


    Trucker's Breakfast...

    A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
    He said, ' I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. '

    The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards..... What does he think this place is, an auto parts store? '

    'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires ... mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights.. is two eggs sunny side up;
    and a pair of running boards... are 2 slices of crisp bacon !

    'Oh,... OK! ' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

    The trucker asked, ' What are the beans for Blondie? '


    I LOVE THIS ONE.......... . 'She replied, ' I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!


    FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!!


    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 953

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sat Jul 11, 2015 6:15 pm




    My favourite is the final line!

    Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
    The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
    The Spaniard replied:‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
    The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
    When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said:‘You see that bridge over there?’
    The Spaniard replied:‘No.’


    As of this week, all new Euros are to be printed on Greece-proof paper.

    Syria has appealed for international assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life.


    What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet?
    I.O.U.


    I'm investing in a new currency...the George Foreman Euro.
    Same as the other Euro, but no Greece.


    Alex Tsipras has said that Greece will "Bounce Back".
    Just like it's cheques.


    My son wanted to know what it was like to live in Greece, so I took his pocket money off him.




    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 953

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sun Aug 02, 2015 6:20 pm


    A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First
    >> Is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
    >>
    >> As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is
    >> Boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
    >>
    >> Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by
    >> Feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
    >>
    >> Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is
    >> Attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
    >>
    >> He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.
    >> What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because
    >> Lions eat anything..
    >>
    >> He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
    >>
    >> He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South
    >> American Bees.
    >> As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees.. He grabs the spade and
    >> Smashes the bees to a pulp.
    >> By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because
    >> Lions eat anything.
    >>
    >> Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
    >> He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
    >>
    >> The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with
    >> Mushy Bees
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 953

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Wed Sep 23, 2015 6:21 pm

    CATHOLIC HORSES

    A bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.

    He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up
    for the 4th race.

    Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.

    Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

    The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

    He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.

    The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ...

    True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1.

    This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

    He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

    Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings! The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You're not Catholic are you my son?"

    "No, I'm Jewish".

    "That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites".



    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 953

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Mon Oct 26, 2015 7:18 pm


    Whilst waiting for the tram a lady of a certain age nudged the gentleman ahead of her and in a stage whisper said," Psst! Your fly buttons are undone"
    The gentleman thanked her for her concern and assured her there was no need to worry.
    "Why?" she enquired.
    "A dead bird never falls out of the nest" was his reply!


    ---------------------

    The priest at our local church has asked us for so much money for repairs, we are no longer known as "His Flock"
    Just "The Fleeced!"

    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 953

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Wed Nov 04, 2015 7:13 pm



    Three Things to Remember.....

    The bride was suffering from intermitting attacks of nerves. She sought advice from her mother prior to walking down the aisle. Her mother assured her there was nothing to worry about, after all she only had to remember three things.

    (1) To walk down the ailse on her farther's arm
    (2) To stop at the altar
    (3) Sing the hymn.

    Reassured the bride set off and arrived at her groom's side, muttering in a stage whisper.......
    AISLE.....ALTAR..... HYMN..... AILSE..... ALTAR....HYMN!

    The groom fainted!
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 953

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Thu Dec 10, 2015 7:29 pm


    There was a young man with a hernia
    Who said to his doctor, "Goodernia!
    When you're in the middle
    Make sure you don't fiddle
    With things that do not concern yah!"
    The doctor wide eyed
    Astonished, replied
    "My profession dear sir won't allow
    I'm a long cut above
    And I do this with love
    As for fiddling, I wouldn't know how!"

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    Re: Loads of Laughs

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      Current date/time is Thu Jun 29, 2017 5:31 am