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    Loads of Laughs

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    daffyd

    Posts : 952

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Mon Jul 01, 2013 7:19 pm


    Rev. Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an
    exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just
    had to play golf. He told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling
    sick and persuaded him to say Prayers for him that day. As soon as the
    Associate Pastor left the room, Rev. Norton headed out of town to a
    golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't
    accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

    Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday
    morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint
    Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and
    exclaimed "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
    The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Rev. Norton
    hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short
    of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN
    ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why
    did you let him do that?"

    The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?”






    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 952

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Mon Jul 01, 2013 7:29 pm


    A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

    Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

    Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

    After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.
    *******************************
    MALE PROCEDURE:
    1. Drive up to the cash machine.
    2. Put down your car window.
    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    6. Put window up.
    7. Drive off.

    *******************************

    FEMALE PROCEDURE:
    (What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

    1. Drive up to cash machine.
    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
    3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
    4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
    5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
    6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
    7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
    8. Insert card.
    9. Re-insert card the right way.
    10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
    11. Enter PIN.
    12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
    13. Enter amount of cash required.
    14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
    15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
    16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
    17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
    18. Re-check makeup.
    19. Drive forward 2 feet.
    20. Reverse back to cash machine.
    21. Retrieve card.
    22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
    23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
    24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
    25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
    26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
    27. Release Parking Brake.
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 952

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Fri Jul 12, 2013 6:08 pm


    No I'm not into exercise either...... but I can recommend this one.....

    A new exercise routine


    1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. (Come on....ah sed PLENTY of room)

    2. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and
    hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. (have a beer and a sit down)

    3. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of
    weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. (Don't rush it.... go easy)

    4. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb
    potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

    5. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.


    HAA HAA 
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 952

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sat Jul 13, 2013 6:42 pm


    ATHEIST IN THE WOODS



    An atheist was walking through the woods.

    'What majestic trees!'
    'What powerful rivers!'
    'What beautiful animals!'
    He said to himself.


    As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
    He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
    He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
    He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
    He tripped and fell on the ground.
    He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...



    At that instant the Atheist cried out,
    'Oh my God!'

    Time Stopped.
    The bear froze.
    The forest was silent.

    As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

    'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'

    The atheist looked directly into the light. 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'


    'Very well', said the voice.


    The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

    'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.'
    avatar
    Windwalker

    Posts : 842

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by Windwalker on Sun Jul 14, 2013 3:23 pm

    That is just sooooo crazy on so many levels. He got what he asked for. :)
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 952

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sun Jul 21, 2013 7:20 pm


    The reason there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have a quaint way with words.

    Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the Surgery waiting room.
    "I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong with me because I'd hate to feel like this if I was well!"
    ............................................................
    Murphy dropped dead the moment he arrived home from a vacation in the tropics.
    He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay their last respects.
    "He's got a great tan," Mrs Doolan from next door mused. "The holiday did him the world of good."
    "And he looks so calm and serene," said Mrs McGuiness.
    "That's because he died in his sleep." explained Mrs Murphy, "and he doesn't know he's dead yet,but when he wakes up, the shock will kill him!"
    ..........................................................

    "Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?"
    "And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty.

    Murphy arrived home late from the pub, well oiled and ready for trouble.
    "Is that you Murphy?" called his wife.
    "Byjasis! It damned well better be!"
    ............................................................................................
    Two tough union men were working on a building site when Murphy fell from the second floor scaffolding.
    "Are ya dead?" cried Gallagher from above.
    "To be sure I am," replied Murphy.
    "You are such a liar Murphy that I don't know whether to believe you or not!" called Gallagher.
    "That proves I'm dead," said Murphy's voice from the rubble below, "because if I was alive you wouldn't be game to call me a liar!"
    .....................................................

    Dublin's contestant in an international quiz was waiting for his first question.
    "First, what's your name and occupation?" The compere asked.
    "Pass", came the reply.
    ...............................................

    Paddy and Shamus were hitchhiking.
    "It's best if we split up," said Paddy. "I will meet you in the next city under the town hall clock".
    Later that night Shamus was waiting at the appointed place when Paddy drove up in a swank car.
    "Where the hell did you get that?"
    Paddy explained that he had just walked a little way when a beautiful woman picked him up. She drove into the woods, got out and took all her clothes off.
    "She said I could have anything I wanted, so I took the car," said Paddy.
    "Good choice too," said Shamus. "You'd look ridiculous in her clothes."
    ..............................................................................................

    PADDY... "If you can guess how many chooks I have in my bag, you can have both of them."
    "Three," ? ... suggested Shaun.
    .......................................

    Paddy was coming through the customs at the airport carrying a large bottle.
    "What have you there?" said a suspicious customs officer.
    "Tis Lourdes holy water. I am bringing it home with me", said Paddy.
    The officer took the bottle and tried some. " Why it's Irish whiskey." ! he spluttered.
    "Lord bless me."! said Paddy, "another bloomin`miracle."
    ..........................................


    On his way home one night, Paddy dropped into the pub.
    The barman poured him a beer and asked if he wanted to be in a raffle.
    "What's it for?" asked Paddy..
    "It's for a poor widow with 13 kids." said the barman.
    Paddy shook his head, "No good for me. I'd never be able to keep them."




    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 952

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sat Jul 27, 2013 2:27 pm


    A Canadian's plan to promote tolerance......

    Jiggs McDonald, ( never heard of him, apparently a NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster) speaking in Orillia, Ontario, allegedly said, "I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus, the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.”

    What a noble jesture...... but then he continued explaining the other side of the coin........

    “That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, ‘The Turban Cowboy,’ and the other a topless bar called ‘You Mecca Me Hot’."


    “Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant called ‘Iraq o' Ribs’.”


    “Across the street there could be a lingerie store called ‘Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret’ with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.”


    “Next door to the lingerie shop there would be a liquor store called ‘Morehammered’."


    “All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the very same tolerance they demand of us.”

    Now that IS something to ponder..... but would it work?

    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 952

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Wed Jul 31, 2013 5:54 pm


    A nice surprise

    A wife comes home early from a trip late at night, and quietly opens the door
    to her bedroom.
    From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
    She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
    Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
    As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
    "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us,
    so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say 'hello'?"
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 952

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Tue Aug 06, 2013 6:49 pm



    HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR

    A woman received a call that her daughter was sick.

    She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.

    The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this."

    She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.

    Within 1 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up.

    A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

    She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

    He said "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

    She hugged the man and through tears said "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."

    The man replied "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for car theft."

    The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

    Is GOD Good or What!?



    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 952

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sun Aug 11, 2013 2:34 pm

    A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
    "What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant.
    "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any
    so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."
    "You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives."
    "Of course you can" the assistant replied,
    "Look at him.........he daren't cough now!!"

    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 952

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Fri Aug 16, 2013 2:42 pm


    ROSES & HANGING BASKETS

    A teenage granddaughter
    comes downstairs for her date
    with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
    Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
    telling her not to dare go out like that!
    The teenager tells her
    'Loosen up Grams.
    These are modern times.
    You gotta let your rose buds show!'
    and out she goes.
    The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
    and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
    The teenager wants to die.
    She explains to her grandmother
    that she has friends coming over
    and that it is just not appropriate..
    The grandmother says,
    'Loosen up,
    Sweetie.
    If you can show off your rose buds,
    then I can display my hanging baskets.
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 952

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sat Aug 17, 2013 7:29 pm

    A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill.

    The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

    It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.

    There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'

    So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

    Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

    They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.

    Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320

    Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.

    Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

    The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
    'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.

    You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

    'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24 ..'

    "Well ah'll be ******,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !!



    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 952

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Mon Oct 14, 2013 6:20 pm


    An Irish Miracle

    Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up. He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature That buttered toast always falls butter-down.


    He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest. He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat.
    He won’t say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes. He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

    “Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”

    “No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.”

    “Well,” Fr Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.”

    An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome.

    The final ruling is a negative, however. it reads:

    "It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena.
    Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations.

    In this case we have declared no miracle as it possibly resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side."



    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 952

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sun Jan 12, 2014 6:57 pm


    *A testimony of true friendship...*

    *A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

    **His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and
    listens in.

    **"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, *

    *I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"

    **"Because he's thinking of getting married."*






    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 952

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Fri Jan 09, 2015 6:57 pm

    I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legitimate … A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.


    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 952

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sat Jan 10, 2015 3:36 pm


    Oh my....another year to navigate through, ah suppose ah had better put on mah snow shoes and shuffle out tuh see how many of mah neighbours have NOT hibernated.......

    ......I'll just mosey on down tuh the communal meeting hall ( the hut in Ivor Hernia's garden) to see if any of the 'gang' are there. Wow! lookee here we have got a fine turn out..... Ivor, Horace Cope, Ben Doone and his broter Eli, Stan Bye and old Reggie Ment. " Hi there boys" ( ah use the term loosely, the average age is eighty two) "How y'all doin?" (We started this little support group up as a group for procrastinators, we are yet tuh meet officially)

    Stan Bye was sporting a huge plaster cast on his ankle.... ah almost fell over it.... "Y'all trip over sommick Stan?" ah enquired kindly. Stan looked at me through his bloodshot eyes and chewed on his baccy a spell, spat with unerring accuracy into a spitoon at least four feet away..... and said, " Ah don't trip over things, but ah occasionally do random gravity checks!"

    As ah looked around at the gathering ah realised old age is coming at a really bad time for some of us. There was nearly as much 'snow' inside as there was out, what with all that white hair and whiskers, I don't have white hair I have "wisdom highlights" .....must be because I'm very wise!
    Mah eye fell upon Ben and Eli Doone (not literarily.... in a manner of speaking) Now mah people skills are fine, its my tolerance to idiots that needs work. They told me they were about to retire and live off their savings.... but weren't sure how they'd fare the second week! Now even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!

    Ah noticed Ivor Hernia was staring out of the hut's only window and it looked like he was mouthing a silent prayer. As ah approached him his mumblings became audible, he was asking and answering his own questions!!! "Hi Ivor, don't want tuh interupt anything but it looks like y'all are talking tuh your own self." He turned and gave me a half smile, "Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice!"

    Ooops! Ah think ah rolled mah eyes out loud!

    Ah suppose he had something there. Just then Reggie Ment made himself heard, "Worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere!" Horace Cope digressing as usual went right off topic with his utterance of " I am at an age where food has taken the place of sex. In fact I've just had the mirrors from the bedroom ceiling fitted over the kitchen table." Now it is my opinion that old age is a time for reflection, but not for looking into mirrors.

    Being the chairman of our little group of procrastinators I called the meeting to order and moved that we should wait until the weather improved before undertaking 'any other business' All those within earshot said, "AYE" So I closed the meeting took a last lingering look at my fellow silver surfers and shuffled back off home to write up the minutes of this year's meeting!
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 952

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Thu Jan 22, 2015 6:43 pm




    Wee Billy from Glesga tried his utmost to look cool.

    His friend told him that he needed a pair of good designer trainers to go with his shell suit.

    Billy saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning his empty Ginger bottles and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.

    Strutting down the street, Billy called out to all the passers by "Check oot ma new trainers pal? Stonkin, eh?"

    One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that while they were indeed a fine pair of trainers, was young Billy aware that, "Ye've no' done up the laces on wan o' them, ya daftie !"

    Billy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace on one trainer, and that on the sole of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to do so.

    When asked for proof of this instruction, Billy took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.

    "There y'are! Clear as day it says...... Taiwan !!!!!"
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 952

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sun Jan 25, 2015 7:24 pm



    The Pilot and the Priest:


    A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's
    dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

    Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ' Who are you, so that I may know whether or
    not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'

    The guy replies, 'I’m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.'

    Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and
    golden staff and enter the Kingdom.'

    The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

    Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of
    Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

    Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden
    staff and enter the Kingdom.’

    'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe
    and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

    'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept.
    When he flew, people prayed.'




    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 952

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sat Jan 31, 2015 6:50 pm


    WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

    Barbara Walters, of20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.
    She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
    She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.
    Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
    The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land mines.'

    Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go )
    BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN.
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 952

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sat Jan 31, 2015 7:05 pm

    Three Women who went to Mexico on the cheap

    Three women went down to Mexico one night to celebrate college
    graduation. They got drunk and woke up in jail, only to find that they
    are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember
    what they did the night before.



    The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is
    asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from
    Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to
    intervene on the behalf of the innocent."


    They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall
    to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.



    The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
    "I just graduated from Indiana University School of Law, and I believe
    in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."



    They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all
    immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.



    The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says, "Well,
    I'm from the University of West Virginia and just graduated with a
    degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll
    ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug that thing in."
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 952

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Thu Feb 05, 2015 6:52 pm


    Confucius say, " Only when mosquito land on nose you realise there is a way to solve problems without using violence!"

    Know what ah mean?
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 952

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Tue Feb 10, 2015 7:03 pm



    Its my wife's birthday soon and I never know what to buy for her........
    I thought maybe a new outfit.....you know, apron, rubber gloves..... the full works!

    Here is an anecdote whos aim it is to tug at your heartstrings......

    A small boy named Wally lived in Punchbowl, a suburb in South Western Sydney.
    None of his classmates liked him cause of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "you are driving me mad Wally". One day Wally's mum came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mum honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career. The mum was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school and even moved out of Sydney, North of Newcastle.

    25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.

    She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but died. The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Wally, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his vacuum cleaner!

    Don't tell me you thought that Wally became a heart-surgeon?


    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 952

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sat Feb 14, 2015 7:38 pm


    The Jewish Elbow


    A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown
    grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.




    "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in
    apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your
    elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the
    elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd
    Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my
    doorbell. OK?"



    "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these
    buttons with my elbow? ........



    "What . .. . .. . You're coming empty handed?"
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 952

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sun Feb 15, 2015 7:22 pm


    Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

    'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

    'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

    'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

    'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

    ___________________________________________

    Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

    Joe: 'Really?'

    Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

    ___________________________________________

    A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
    him how he is feeling.

    'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
    surgery,' he answered.

    'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

    'Oops!'
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 952

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Tue Feb 17, 2015 7:39 pm


    Ah know this may be stretching it a bit.......


    Doctor Titus, who was known for miraculous cures for
    arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady,
    completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her
    cane.

    When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and,
    amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect
    with her head held high.

    A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up
    to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent
    in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

    "Gave me a longer cane."

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    Re: Loads of Laughs

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