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    Loads of Laughs

    Share
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 955

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Wed Oct 17, 2012 6:41 pm


    Tete-a-tete
    It has been a while since we had a little chat. We have a lot to catch up on.
    For instance..... Keeping in shape, you gotta keep in shape. My grandmother taught me that. Do you know she started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is ninety seven now and we don't know where the hell she is.

    I was in a shop the other day and I overheard a sales lady saying, "Now I can only please one person a day and today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking too good either." She then turned to her colleague and carried on with her conversation."As I was saying, men are like fine wine, they all start out as grapes and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you would want to have with dinner. Men my dear, are like coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and keep you up all night. A lot of men these days are like lava lamps, they are amusing to watch, but not very bright."

    Listen you guys if your wife was yelling and hammering at the front door and the dog was scratching and barking at the back door, who should you let in first?
    The dog dummy, because once you let it in you know it will shut up.
    I was telling a neighbour how I apprehended a burglar as he was trying to break into his house whilst he was on holiday. The burglar was half way through an enlarged cat-flap when I gave him a good hard kick up the a*** "Rectum, rectum!" said my neighbour. "Wrecked him? I varn nye killed him."
    Do you know my neighbour is so stupid he couldn't pass a blood test. Why he even took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept. His wife is just as bad she put lipstick on her forehead, she was trying to make-up her mind. She is so ugly that they did not bother to give her a costume when she tried out as an extra for Star Wars. And old, why she is so old that when she went to school they did not have any History classes.

    Do you guys know why women have smaller feet than men?
    So that they can get closer to the stove.

    Here is a tip for you young single guys, don't spend two pounds having your shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to the Salvation Army. They wash it, iron it, put it on a hanger and you can buy it back for 75 pence.

    You know, I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
    Now suppose you are an idiot, and suppose you are a Member of Parliament........... forgive me I repeat myself.

    But enough about me........... how do you think our little tete - a - tete went..... you didn't have much to say....... cat got your tongue has it?


    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 955

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Thu Oct 18, 2012 1:39 pm


    Whilst milling around after the morning service on a Sunday one can be treated to some interesting conversations.....

    Holy Humour

    A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
    His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
    The son replied, "I do know!"
    "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
    "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly, “It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'" (This one is my favorite.)

    =======
    There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
    "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
    "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

    ========
    "Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, its morning."

    ========
    A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
    Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
    When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

    ========
    There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new gym - fellowship hall building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

    ========
    A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
    "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
    The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 955

    Smile Please

    Post by daffyd on Wed Oct 31, 2012 6:53 pm



    Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces.
    The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.


    'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60,

    died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress.

    Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.

    'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25,

    won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky.

    Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'


    The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'
    'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one.

    Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'

    'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.



    'He thought he was having his picture taken'.
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 955

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Wed Nov 14, 2012 7:35 pm

    Priorities....


    A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the
    mall was packed.
    As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see
    her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a
    lot to do.

    Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask
    him where he was.

    In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry
    store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that
    diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would
    get it for you one day?"

    The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that
    jewelry store."

    He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

    avatar
    Windwalker

    Posts : 842

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by Windwalker on Thu Nov 15, 2012 4:01 pm

    Some of these are great.
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 955

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Thu Nov 29, 2012 7:25 pm


    At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed
    him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
    Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

    Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
    "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
    Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

    Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
    He watched as his father moved from horse to horse,
    running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
    After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
    His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to
    make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
    Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."


    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 955

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Fri Nov 30, 2012 9:31 pm



    These days we are all into videos and they are getting better and better. I like the fun types with good graphics. Here I 'll show you what I mean......... and may the Farm be with you!

    http://www.storewars.org/flash/index.html
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 955

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Fri Dec 07, 2012 7:14 pm


    Old is when you can no longer recognise humour

    A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship
    And orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
    As the bartender gives her the drink she says
    'I'm on this cruise to celebrate
    My 80th birthday and it's today.'
    The bartender says
    'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
    In fact, this one is on me.'


    As the woman finishes her drink
    The woman to her right says
    'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
    The old woman says
    'Thank you.
    Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
    'Coming up' says the bartender
    As she finishes that drink,
    The man to her left says
    'I would like to buy you one, too.'


    The old woman says
    'Thank you.
    Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
    'Coming right up' the bartender says.
    As he gives her the drink, he says
    'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
    Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'


    The old woman replies
    'Sonny, when you're my age,
    You've learned how to hold your liquor...
    Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 955

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Mon Dec 10, 2012 8:50 pm


    Barack Obama and Daffyd are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.
    They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
    Barack goes first.“What will the USA be like in 100 years time”
    The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out
    "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy.
    There are no worries”
    Daffyd thinks “Its not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that” so he asks
    “What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?”
    The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.
    Daffyd just stares at it.
    “Come on Daffyd" says Barack, “What does it say?”
    Daffyd replies, “Buggered if I know ! It's all in Arabic!”

    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 955

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Mon Dec 17, 2012 7:01 pm


    Grandpa Just Wants to Wish You & Yours
    A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS
    &
    A HAPPY NEW YEAR ....


    'Twas the night before Christmas & out on the ranch
    The pond was froze over & so was the branch.
    The snow was piled up belly-deep to a mule.
    The kids were all home on vacation from school.

    And happier young folks you never did see-
    Just all sprawled around a-watchin' TV.
    Then suddenly, some time around 8 o'clock,
    There came a surprise that gave them a shock!
    The power went off, the TV went dead!
    When Grandpa came in from out in the shed
    With an armload of wood, the house was all dark.
    "Just what I expected," they heard him remark.

    "Them power line wires must be down from the snow.
    Seems sorter like times on the ranch long ago."
    "I'll hunt up some candles," said Mom. "With their light,
    And the fireplace, I reckon we'll make out all right."

    The teen-agers all seemed enveloped in gloom.
    Then Grandpa came back from a trip to his room,
    Uncased his old fiddle & started to play
    That old Christmas song about bells on a sleigh.
    Mom started to sing, & 1st thing they knew

    Both Pop & the kids were all singing it, too. ,
    They sang Christmas carols, they sang "Holy Night,"
    Their eyes all a-shine in the ruddy firelight.
    They played some charades Mom recalled from her youth,
    And Pop read a passage from God's Book of Truth.

    They stayed up till midnight-and, would you believe,
    The youngsters agreed 'twas a fine Christmas Eve.
    Grandpa rose early, some time before dawn;
    And when the kids wakened, the power was on...
    "The power company sure got the line repaired quick,"

    Said Grandpa - & no one suspected his trick.
    Last night, for the sake of some old-fashioned fun,
    He had pulled the main switch -
    the old Son-of-a-Gun!
    avatar
    Windwalker

    Posts : 842

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by Windwalker on Tue Dec 18, 2012 1:33 am

    That is a great one Daffyd, thanks for sharing something for the Christmas season that teaches values.
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 955

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Fri Dec 21, 2012 8:28 pm


    A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to my reader!

    Food for thought....

    In this festive season I would ask, are people who drink alone, in a glass by themselves?
    Is a water diviner a 'well' man?
    Is cod liver oil good for vitamen 'de fish in sea'
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 955

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Tue Jan 08, 2013 6:28 pm


    Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

    He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

    The conversation went like this:

    "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

    "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church.

    There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

    Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied,

    "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

    There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . . . .

    Father O'Malley then replied:
    "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."




    avatar
    Windwalker

    Posts : 842

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by Windwalker on Wed Jan 09, 2013 2:03 pm

    Oh now that is a great one. lol!
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 955

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sun Jan 13, 2013 7:19 pm


    These are the signs of the times as covertly divulged to me by Lew Dicrous

    Roll Call Funny if it wasn't true.........

    Registry on the first day back at school in Birmingham.
    The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:-

    "Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here."

    "Achmed El Kabul?" "Here."

    "Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here."

    "Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here."

    "Mohammed Bin> Kadir?" "Here."

    "Ali Son Al Len”
    - Silence in the classroom.

    "Ali Son Al Len" - Continued silence as everyone
    looked around the room.
    The teacher repeated the call.

    A girl stood up and said,
    "Sorry teacher. I think that's me.

    It's pronounced Alison Allen.


    So beginneth the lesson......................
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 955

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Thu Jan 17, 2013 8:51 pm


    Think on these things.................

    Police have spoken to Freddie Starr's 34 year old fiancée and she has said
    she has never had reason to think he was a paedophile in all their 25 years
    together.

    7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they
    tested positive for WD40.

    A mummy covered in chocolate and hazel nuts has been discovered in Egypt
    Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.

    Just a reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last year's
    riots....Your 1 Year manufacturer's warranty runs out soon.

    ITS A BOY" he shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
    and with tears streaming down his face swore he'd never visit another Thai
    Brothel.

    2 Indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine .
    Both are in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka.

    In the first few days of the Olympics, the Romanians took gold, silver,
    bronze, copper & lead .

    Sailing results are in: GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a
    middle-aged couple from Weymouth.

    A Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making land
    mines that look like prayer mats. Its doing well. Prophets are going through
    the roof.
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 955

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Fri Jan 18, 2013 7:26 pm


    Did I open up to send a reply..... make a comment.....reciprocate with a joke....?????

    Do not worry......anymore..... 'THEY' have worked it all out!


    Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was?
    Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.

    Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an event boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next.

    Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.

    It's not aging, it's the damn door! Thank goodness for studies like this.
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 955

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sat Jan 19, 2013 7:34 pm


    Have you ever noticed how hollow a laugh sounds in an empty room? Ah tend tuh just....... Very Happy smile!

    Take heed and learn from this......


    After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

    As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

    "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric - I'm on the train."

    "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

    "No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".

    "No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

    "Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart".

    Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

    When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,

    "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

    He doesn't use his phone in public any longer.

    avatar
    Windwalker

    Posts : 842

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by Windwalker on Mon Jan 21, 2013 5:45 pm

    Those are good, I wondered if it was the door that made me think I had forgotten.
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 955

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sun Jan 27, 2013 7:18 pm



    Daftland.

    We live in a country called Daftland
    The England we knew is no more
    Where sensible people do ludicrous things
    Or risk breaking some Daftland law.

    In Daftland we've police dogs with muzzles
    Less the villain has cause to complain
    And to steal from a shop and say 'sorry'
    Means you're free with no stain to your name.

    You had better leave lights on in buildings
    When you lock up and go home at night
    'cause the burglars might hurt themselves entering
    And there's no way you'll be in the right.

    When speaking be wary in Daftland
    As some terms that you've used all your life
    Now have connotations unintended
    And you'll end up in all sorts of strife.

    We elect politicians in Daftland
    To give us the laws of the land
    Yet eight laws in ten now come from abroad
    The whole thing has got out of hand.

    The borders are open in Daftland
    And of migrants there's no keeping track
    Just a few of the thousands illegally here
    Will ever be caught and sent back.

    The exception to this is the hero
    Who fought for this land in the war
    He's old and he's sick, he might cost us a bit
    So he's not welcome here any more.

    When the history is written of Daftland
    Historians may just recall
    That the craziest people in Daftland
    Were the public who put up with it all.

    avatar
    Windwalker

    Posts : 842

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by Windwalker on Sun Jan 27, 2013 7:38 pm

    "When the history is written of Daftland
    Historians may just recall
    That the craziest people in Daftland
    Were the public who put up with it all."

    That is so very right.
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 955

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sun Jan 27, 2013 8:09 pm

    The public living in Daftland
    When voting came up with a tie
    Thereafter a Coalition was formed
    So they could perpetrate the same lie

    The outcome was as predicted
    Both parties vying for power
    Achieving nothing but heartache
    Oh, what a miserable shower

    The truth is we're not European
    We're an island that stands tall and proud
    If we could trust those we elected
    We could cast off the European shroud

    A referendum for the electorate in Daftland
    To determine if we stay in or get out
    Is a promise made by our esteemed leader
    So its time to stand up and shout

    But wait, he can't fulfil his promise
    Until once more we go to the polls
    By that time the Coalition will have crumbled
    And the referendum will be all full of holes.
    avatar
    Windwalker

    Posts : 842

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by Windwalker on Mon Jan 28, 2013 3:08 pm

    I think I live in Daftland or very close to it.
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 955

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sat Feb 09, 2013 7:46 pm

    Have you ever wondered why gravity gets you down?
    I discovered the easiest way to figure out the cost of living is to take your income and add ten per cent!
    Have you ever noticed, expenditure rises to meet your income?
    I heard it said, 'Poets go from bad to verse' something to do with a writers curse, it leaves them with a penniless purse!
    What they should do is follow my example, 'If at first you don't succeed, redefine success!'
    Here is a piece of advice that has stood me in good stead, 'Never hit a man when he is down,wait until he's halfway up and catch him off balance!'

    My neighbour was sounding off, so I told him if he wanted to air his differences he should join a nudist colony!
    Do you know, life is like a mystery tour..... except we all know the final destination. (excuse me, is this your stop?)

    The best idea is to die young.......as late as possible!
    Tell me this, if your eyes are the windows of your soul, why are your curtains always closed?

    avatar
    Windwalker

    Posts : 842

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by Windwalker on Sun Feb 10, 2013 8:08 pm

    Those are good daffyd. :)

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