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    Loads of Laughs

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    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Wed Dec 15, 2010 7:39 pm


    A heartwarming story.

    A small boy got lost at the shopping mall..........
    He approached a uniformed security guard & said,
    "I've lost my grandpa!"
    The guard asked, "What's his name?"
    "Grandpa"
    The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"

    He hesitated for a moment and then replied,
    "Jack Daniels whiskey and women with big boobs."
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Twas the night before Chtistmas

    Post by daffyd on Wed Dec 15, 2010 7:45 pm


    'Twas the night before Christmas & out on the ranch
    The pond was froze over & so was the branch.
    The snow was piled up belly-deep to a mule.
    The kids were all home on vacation from school,
    And happier young folks you never did see-
    Just all sprawled around a-watchin' TV.
    Then suddenly, some time around 8 o'clock,
    There came a surprise that gave them a shock!


    The power went off, the TV went dead!
    When Grandpa came in from out in the shed
    With an armload of wood, the house was all dark.
    "Just what I expected," they heard him remark.
    "Them power line wires must be down from the snow.
    Seems sorter like times on the ranch long ago."
    "I'll hunt up some candles," said Mom. "With their light,
    And the fireplace, I reckon we'll make out all right."


    The teen-agers all seemed enveloped in gloom.
    Then Grandpa came back from a trip to his room,
    Uncased his old fiddle & started to play
    That old Christmas song about bells on a sleigh.
    Mom started to sing, & 1st thing they knew
    Both Pop & the kids were all singing it, too.

    They sang Christmas carols, they sang "Holy Night,"
    Their eyes all a-shine in the ruddy firelight.
    They played some charades Mom recalled from her youth,
    And Pop read a passage from God's Book of Truth.
    They stayed up till midnight-and, would you believe,
    The youngsters agreed 'twas a fine Christmas Eve.
    Grandpa rose early, some time before dawn;
    And when the kids wakened, the power was on..

    "The power company sure got the line repaired quick,"
    Said Grandpa - & no one suspected his trick.
    Last night, for the sake of some old-fashioned fun,
    He had pulled the main switch - the old Son-of-a-Gun!

    avatar
    islandgrl
    Admin

    Posts : 2477

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by islandgrl on Thu Dec 16, 2010 1:17 pm

    Grandpas are smart.
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sun Dec 26, 2010 4:29 pm

    :study:

    Now that we got Christmas out of the way Billy Bob caught mah Pappy looking through some holiday brochures, ole Billy Bob wuz a waggin his finger at mah Pappy and a shaking his head.... no...he wasn't shaking mah Pappy's head.... Billy Bob was a shaking his own head in a negative fashion........

    Billy Bob wuz a tellin' Pappy, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
    Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
    Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earlene got pregnant again.
    Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get
    pregnant again."

    Pappy asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's
    different?"

    Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

    Now mah Pappy just doesn't know what he's gonna do fer his vacation this year!........ :scratch:
    .
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sun Jan 09, 2011 4:41 pm


    A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

    The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
    He called them into his shop: 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'

    He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.

    They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

    About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.
    'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.
    'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said.
    'I've come to thank you but, one thing puzzled me.
    Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?'






    ACTUALLY, SOME OF US ASK THE SAME QUESTION EVERY MORNING!


    avatar
    oceanna

    Posts : 4025

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by oceanna on Sun Jan 09, 2011 7:27 pm

    Another good one Daffy. Laughing Laughing Laughing

    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Fri Jan 14, 2011 4:41 pm

    This is for cricket aficionados and a tribute to the England team that thrashed the 'Aussies' and retained the famous 'ASHES'

    Raking over the ashes


    What do you call an Australian who can handle a bat?

    A vet



    What do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an OXO cube?

    A laughing stock.



    The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.

    They want to ask their advice about going downhill fast!



    What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?

    A funeral director doesn’t keep losing the ashes.



    Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?

    Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting: “You lads can bat.’’

    Just as quick, Ponting replied: “No, we can’t. We really can’t.”



    What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand? A waiter.



    Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease?

    The woman who irons their cricket whites.



    What’s the height of optimism? An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.



    How did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball?

    He forgot it was chained to his foot.



    What is the main function of the Australia coach?

    To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.



    On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife, and teammate Michael Hussey tells her he’s heading out to the middle.

    His wife replies: “I’ll hold, he won’t be long!”



    What’s the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?

    Nothing! If you blink you’ll miss them both.



    Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?

    The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.



    What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?

    Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.



    What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?

    The entire Australian innings.



    What’s the Australian version of LBW?

    Lost, Beaten, Walloped.



    Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?

    Because he can get out without even trying.



    What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket?

    A bat.



    What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?

    A vacant lot.



    Why do Australians call their favourite drink XXXX?

    Because they can’t spell beer.



    What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?

    They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.



    What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix?

    At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.





    Heard the one about the Englishman who was stopped by Australian immigration officers at Sydney airport?

    They asked him if he had a criminal record. He replied: “I didn’t know it was still necessary.”





    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Fri Jan 14, 2011 4:53 pm

    Always wear underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.
    From the local paper comes this story of a Brisbane couple who drove their car to ALDI, only to have their car break down in the car park.
    The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
    The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
    On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.
    Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..
    Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
    On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.
    The RACQ mechanic however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Fri Jan 14, 2011 7:10 pm


    Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pappy! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
    Pappy replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
    Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
    So Pappy mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

    "Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
    Pappy yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
    Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
    So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

    Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

    Pappy proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

    To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"





    Now that got me thinking some!
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sat Jan 15, 2011 4:07 pm


    Masculinity!

    -----
    A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

    The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

    Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...

    Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

    The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."

    The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

    The man agrees to talk with his wife.

    The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

    "I have," says the man.

    "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

    "We're having granite worktops."


    Sad
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Fri Jan 21, 2011 3:07 pm


    A HUSBAND COMES HOME FROM CHURCH;
    HE GREETS HIS WIFE AND LIFTS HER UP.

    HE THEN CARRIED HER AROUND THE HOUSE.

    THE WIFE WAS SO SURPRISED AND SHE ASKED
    'DID THE BISHOP PREACH ABOUT BEING ROMANTIC' ?

    THE HUSBAND SAID, ' NO, HE SAID WE MUST
    CARRY OUR BURDENS AND SORROWS '





    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Fri Jan 21, 2011 3:38 pm


    A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

    'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

    'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

    'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

    So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

    Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

    Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

    'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

    Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

    'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

    Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

    'Nope...just when it's raining.'
    avatar
    wuzfuz

    Posts : 3682

    Loads of laughs

    Post by wuzfuz on Fri Jan 21, 2011 6:19 pm

    Four men meet at 6Am on a golf course to enjoy a round of golf

    First one says " I had to promise my wife I would build a new deck on the house if she would let me go golfing"

    Second man says" " I had to promise my wife I'd remodel the kitchen if she let me go.

    Third man says " I had to to promise to let her buy an expensive fashionable new dress she wanted"

    Fourth man says." I just asked my wife the question. "Golf course or intercourse?"

    She replied' Wear a sweater, Its cool outside"
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Sat Jan 22, 2011 2:21 pm


    AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....

    Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
    Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!


    Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

    Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.


    This is how it manifests itself:

    I decide to water my garden.

    As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

    As I head towards the garage, I notice post on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.

    I decide to go through it before I wash the car.

    I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.

    So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.

    But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

    I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left.

    My extra cheques are in the desk in my study,
    so I go into the house to my desk where
    I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.

    I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

    The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup..

    As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.

    I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

    I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers..

    I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

    I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV,I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

    I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

    So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

    Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

    At the end of the day:

    The car isn't washed

    The bills aren't paid

    There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface

    The flowers don't have enough water,

    There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

    I can't find the remote,

    I can't find my glasses,

    And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

    Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all bloody day and I'm really tired.

    I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....

    Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, Because I can't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

    Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Mon Jan 24, 2011 2:58 pm


    A Catholic Collection.....



    The confession
    A married man went into the confessional and
    said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with
    another woman.'
    The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
    The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and
    rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
    The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same
    as putting it in. You're not to see that woman
    again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's
    and put $50 in the poor box.'
    The man left the confessional, said his
    prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
    He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
    The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
    'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
    The man replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

    Lemon Squeeze
    There once was a religious young woman who
    went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional,
    she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
    The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
    The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend
    made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
    The priest thought long and hard and then said,
    'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink
    the juice.'
    The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
    The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

    Looks of Disappointment
    A man was just waking up from anesthesia after
    surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
    His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're
    beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
    His wife had never heard him say that before,
    so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later
    his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..'
    The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,'
    it was now 'cute.'
    She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
    The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

    Catholic Dog
    Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside
    with only a pet dog for company.. One day the
    dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
    and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya'
    be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
    Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we
    cannot have services for an animal in the church....
    But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
    there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe
    they'll do something for the creature.'
    Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do
    ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for
    the service?'
    Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother
    of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

    Donation
    Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello,
    is this Father O'Malley?'
    'It is!'
    This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
    'I can!'
    'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
    'I do!'
    'Is he a member of your congregation?'
    'He is!'
    'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
    'He will'

    Confession No.2
    An elderly man walks into a confessional. The
    following conversation ensues:
    Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife
    of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and
    great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two
    college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel,
    where I had sex with each of them three times.'
    Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
    Man: 'What sins?'
    Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
    Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
    Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
    Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

    Pest Control
    A woman was having a passionate affair with
    an inspector from a pest-control company..
    One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
    together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
    'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!'
    and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
    The husband, however, became suspicious and
    after a search of the bedroom discovered the man
    in the closet..
    'Who are you?' he asked him..
    'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the
    exterminator.
    'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..
    'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation
    of moths,' the man replied.
    'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
    The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those
    little b******s!'...
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Wed Jan 26, 2011 4:51 pm

    Smart A*se!!!!

    Two businessmen in Muswellbrook were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...


    As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
    One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."


    No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

    One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a*se-holes."

    Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, ”Must be doing well... Only two left."



    Pensioners -- don't mess with them!!!!!!


    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Mon Jan 31, 2011 2:43 pm


    Medical Wisdom

    The Medical Association has weighed in on the new health care proposals.

    Initially, the Dermatologists advised everyone not to make any rash moves.

    The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling that things were serious, but the neurologists thought Cameron had a lot of nerve.

    The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception whilst the Ophthalmologists considered the whole business very short-sighted.

    Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians told them to "Grow up!"

    The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

    The Surgeons said they were fed up with cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

    ENT specialists found the economic proposals very hard to swallow and just wouldn’t hear any more about them.

    The Pharmacologists thought them a bitter pill and the Plastic Surgeons thought they put, "a whole new face on the matter...."

    The Podiatrists wanted to put their best foot forward whereas the Urologists were peed off at the whole idea and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say so.

    In the end, one Rectal specialist declared that they should all leave it up to the #####-holes in London .


    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Mon Jan 31, 2011 3:00 pm


    The Baptist & The Texas Cowboy...

    A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas .

    After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which
    was brought and placed before him.

    The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

    Appalled, the preacher replied,

    "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute,
    than let liquor touch my lips."


    The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,

    "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."



    avatar
    Glad E Olah
    Admin

    Posts : 1578

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by Glad E Olah on Mon Jan 31, 2011 3:32 pm

    LOL
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Mon Jan 31, 2011 4:44 pm

    There are hosts of roasts on this clip that will keep you smiling for a good while...... not to mention meeting some old movie favourites.



    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EnOhNHYcfZI&NR=1
    avatar
    wuzfuz

    Posts : 3682

    Editing required

    Post by wuzfuz on Mon Jan 31, 2011 9:08 pm



    Church Ladies With typewriters . . .

    They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

    The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
    --------------------------
    The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
    --------------------------
    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
    --------------------------
    Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't
    care much about you.
    --------------------------
    Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
    --------------------------
    Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
    --------------------------
    For those of you who have children and don't know it,
    we have a nursery downstairs.
    --------------------------
    Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
    --------------------------
    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
    --------------------------
    A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
    Music will follow..
    --------------------------
    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
    --------------------------
    Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
    --------------------------
    Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
    --------------------------


    Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
    --------------------------
    The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
    and gracious hostility.
    --------------------------
    Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
    --------------------------
    The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
    They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
    --------------------------
    This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
    --------------------------
    Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
    --------------------------
    The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
    --------------------------
    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
    --------------------------
    The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
    --------------------------
    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
    --------------------------
    The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.










    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Tue Feb 01, 2011 2:23 pm

    A haircut

    One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

    Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him a t his door.

    Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

    And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

    BOTH, POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES
    NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN
    AND
    FOR THE SAME REASON!.
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Tue Feb 01, 2011 3:57 pm

    Ah had bin watching a cooking program on the TV and as usual they included a piece about 'good wine' an how one should allus treat it well. So ah moseyed on over tuh the porch where ah knowed mah Pappy would be and ah aksed him, "Pappy, how should one treat a good wine?"

    "Why son, that's just commonsense. Open up the bottle to let it breathe, if it doesn't look as though its breathing, give it mouth to mouth resuscitation" with that he broke into a maniacal bout o' laughing, cacklin an coughing!

    Ah knowed ah had tuh git in thar quick with a shocker of mah own so ah burst out, "Pappy, ah bin thinkin a lot about marriage lately."

    He stopped immediately, looked me up an down and sed in his most serious manner, "Son, marriage is like a deck o' cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. But later on you'll wish you had a club and a spade.

    Who wuz that gal ah saw yuh with last night?"

    Ah sensed it wuz mah chance, "It wuz someone from mah schooldays Pappy!"

    "Teacher?" he enquired.

    "No, ah didn't have to" ah retorted with a snigger in mah voice!
    "Ah have noticed that there are quire a few gals pregnant lately though" ah continued.

    Pappy sed, "Pay no mind son, there's something in the air!"

    Dumb as ah is ah enquired, "What?"

    Pappy smiled, looked me in the eye and sed, "FEET!"
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Thu Feb 17, 2011 2:14 pm

    Cock-a-doodle doo!

    If this don't bring a smile tuh yor face then mah name's not Ebeneezer



    http://lovedbdb.com/nudemenClock/index2.html

    TIME'S UP! Check your watch!
    avatar
    daffyd

    Posts : 956

    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by daffyd on Tue Mar 01, 2011 2:58 pm


    An Irish priest was transferred to Texas ..

    Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.

    He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

    He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

    He promptly called the local police station......

    The conversation went like this:

    ''Good morning This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''

    ''And the best of the day te yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn"

    Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''

    There was dead silence on the line for a moment..........................................Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''



    HEEhaw, HEEhaw, HEEhaw

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    Re: Loads of Laughs

    Post by Sponsored content


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