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    HUMOUR

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    wuzfuz

    Posts : 3682

    HUMOUR

    Post by wuzfuz on Sun Apr 10, 2011 12:09 am



    Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.


    When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

    Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

    On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

    So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

    Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

    "Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."






















    avatar
    wuzfuz

    Posts : 3682

    Re: HUMOUR

    Post by wuzfuz on Mon Apr 11, 2011 1:33 am



    NOAH...TODAY.


    In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah,
    Who was now living in America and said:
    "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over
    -populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
    "Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
    Along with a few good humans."
    He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
    "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will
    Start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

    Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
    Weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
    "Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
    Where is the Ark?"
    "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

    "I needed a Building Permit."



    "I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector
    About the need for a sprinkler system."



    "My neighbors claim that I've violated the
    Neighborhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my
    Back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
    Go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."


    "Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power
    Lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
    Passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them
    That the sea would be coming to us, but they would
    Hear nothing of it."



    "Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
    On cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
    "I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
    Needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"


    "When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was
    Confining wild animals against their will. They
    Argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and
    It was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in
    A confined space."



    "Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study
    On your proposed flood."



    "I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
    Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
    Supposed to hire for my building crew."



    "Immigration wants me to hire illegal aliens to work."



    "The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They
    Insist I have to hire only Union workers with
    Ark-building experience."



    "To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally
    With endangered species."



    "So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
    Years for me to finish this Ark."





    "Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
    And a rainbow stretched across the sky."





    Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
    "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

    "No," said the Lord.
    " The Government beat me to it."






















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